The Death of a Shirt
by Mercurialis
Summary: It has beaten the most brilliant criminal minds of this century. It has outwitted the most formidable enemy known to mankind. It has outshone the brightest of stars. It is...Mamoru's Earth Shirt. Ten Year Anniversary Edition, REWRITTEN


_**The Death of a Shirt**_

Intentional Humorous OOC (you have been warned)

Rated PG-13 (for graphic violence, mild language and scarring imagery)

_This is a tragic tale of a man and the love he has for his Shirt; and about the conflict he faces because of this love and the ignored feelings of his girlfriend. This is a tragedy about an evil so vile that Hell itself cannot hope to contain it. Lastly, this is a story about friendship and love overcoming even the very ending of the world._

Story Notes:

This fanfiction is about Mamoru's shirt, which appears in the S season in the episode entitled _Crystal Clear Again_. As most every _Sailor Moon_ fan knows, Mamoru has a terrible sense of fashion. The Earth Shirt however, crosses my imaginary line of what is acceptable for a fictional animated character and what is not (aka, it's really cheesy). No, I really don't dislike the shirt THAT much, but the entire point of this story is to be a satire. That is why the character flaws of the characters are taken to the extreme. This is not meant to be a serious fanfiction and is written only for entertainment purposes.

_The Death of a Shirt _was first written in 2000 when my (still) best friend and I were watching some dubbed _Sailor Moon_ episodes and noticed the atrocity. The story was popular (even spawning TheEarthShirt(dot)com a site which I no longer maintain nor own) despite being in a script format and having terrible grammar. The first revamp of the story came the next year, with the ending of my script-styled writing. I had always planned on going back and finishing the story, but life happened, I matured, graduated high school, worked full-time for a while and so forth. Now, ten years later, while procrastinating from working on my Economics homework and watching _Sailor Moon_ with my roommate, I have decided to finally finish the story. I find it to be befitting for the ten year anniversary of this work and it will be the first time I've actually ever completed something that I've written.

My only regret about my (and Ally's) old works is that I deleted _Darien the Marvelous Man_, _The Adventures of Kisenian Blossom in Crystal Tokyo _and _Sailor Moon: Little Red Riding Hood Style_ years ago when I was going through a phase of getting rid of my old crappy writings. I had them stored on my old Geocities account, but as you all know, that server is history. So while I may not have these to recover and laugh at, I will always have _The Death of a Shirt_.

.

.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Mamoru quickly glanced in his closet, before grabbing his trademark, his yellow and green Earth polo shirt, and putting it on. He looked dashing, or so he thought, in his ugly brown loafers with no socks, blue jeans and his favorite shirt.

Of course, Mamoru could have afforded other things, but no! The thought never ran through his mind. He loved his Earth Shirt. It had personality, and was truly an object of his affection.

"Lookin' good Tux!" He said to out-loud to himself as he admired his attire and struck various manly poses. "Usako will certainly DIE when she sees me like this!" He grinned as he thought about his love, his angel, his princess.

On that topic, he realized that really needed to get to the park. Usako was waiting for him! He smiled as he left his apartment, careful not to snag his holy shirt.

.

.

* * *

.

.

Usagi ran to the park for her meeting with Mamoru. As usual, she was running late, having overslept. Because she was a normal fashion-conscious girl, she ended up being even later that morning because she spent the little time she did have after waking up trying to decide on an appropriate date outfit.

However, why she bothered, not even she knew, because despite the painstaking preparation that she would spend on her attire, Mamoru would always find some way to show up in some hideous creation. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that he was so dashingly handsome, even Usagi was willing to admit that he would have a lot more difficultly gaining admirers just due to his lack of ability to dress himself. Usagi just hoped to God that he hadn't worn…

Before she could finish that train of thought, Usagi stumbled into their designated meeting place and tripped over a pebble. After crying for about five seconds, she got over her pain when she noticed that Mamoru hadn't arrived yet to help her stand back up. Looking around curiously, she noted a few other couples sitting in park benches nearby, an empty bench behind her and the rose bushes ahead. Just as she was about to become angry or concerned, she hadn't decided which yet, a voice broke out behind her.

"Beautiful maidens should be more careful about marring their faces."

"Mamo-chan!" Usagi spun around in preparation to bound towards her love, who had just suddenly and silently appeared on the previously empty park bench, looking to all the world that he had been lounging there all along. However, her happiness and excitement about seeing Mamoru was abruptly cut short when the first thing she noticed that he had worn the hideous Earth Shirt.

Now Mamoru owned a lot of clothing, something that comes with being filthy rich, but he was always wearing the same three combinations of attire. Even worse than his usual atrocious daywear, was the Earth Shirt that Mamoru only wore on special occasions. This Earth Shirt was, according to Usagi, the worst thing in Mamoru's closet. Unfortunately for Usagi, it was also his favorite, so she tried to be accommodating towards it.

While Usagi was standing towards him, staring admiringly at his shirt, Mamoru felt a sting of pride for being so gorgeous and having the ability to strike his girlfriend speechless with his very presence. After all, physical attraction is a very important aspect in a relationship. 'Yup.' He thought smugly to himself, '_Definitely_ looking good today Tux!"

Deciding to take the initiative, as Usagi was still staring in awe, Mamoru rushed Usagi and gave her a welcoming hug. Usagi gasped, in happiness he presumed, as he held her close to him and rose petals flew around them in an artistic hurricane.

She couldn't believe it, one second she was looking at _it_ from a distance and the next it was suddenly there stuck to her face as her nose was smashed up against its lime green fabric. She gasped in horror as she felt her face being violated by the terrible thing, the embroidered Earth stitching right in front of her eyes. It didn't help that the smell of roses suddenly assaulted her senses, making it increasingly harder to think clearly.

That apparently was all she needed, for in that moment Usagi formulated a plan that would change the very nature of their lives. Laughing to herself, Usagi gathered the courage to face the date, relishing in what would be the last moments of the accursed object.

"Oh Mamo-chan!" She eagerly returned his hug, "I've missed you so!"

.

.

* * *

.

.

"Absolutely not!" Luna screeched as she stood on the table in front of Usagi and gave her a disapproving look. "We have important senshi business to discuss today, and here you are sprouting off your nonsense again!"

"Luna!" Whined Usagi as she sat back on her heels and leaned away from the furious cat, "I was talking to the girls, not to you!"

Rei looked up from the _Sailor V _comic that she was reading and gazed at Usagi cooly, "What makes you think that I would go along with this ridiculous plan of yours? What concern is it of mine what Mamoru chooses to wear?"

Usagi burst into tears before the others could join the conversation, "You guys are supposed to be my dearest friends and just look at how you ignore me in my time of need!"

Artemis sat on Minako's shoulder and shook his head disapprovingly as Luna continued to glare at her charge. "Usagi, why do you come up with these harebrained schemes of yours when you could be formulating plans for something useful!"

Makoto appeared as though she didn't know quite what to say and Ami patted Usagi's shoulder comfortingly as Usagi continued to cry. "Really Usagi," Ami started, "it isn't all that bad…?" She trailed off with a thoughtful look on her face, also contemplating for the first time the truth of what her princess had spoken. Noticing the questioning tone of Ami's statement, Rei and Makoto also began to visualize the problem.

Luna and Artemis on the other hand, were becoming increasingly uncomfortable as the four girls and the now sniffling heroine sat in silence for a few moments. Luna started to panic a little on the inside, "You cannot possibly be considering…"

"Well," Minako tiled her head to the side and tapped her cheek with her finger as she recalled the events that transpired and the children that were seen crying when Mamoru wore the shirt to their last group outing, "it is pretty much a fashion crime."

"Minako!" Artemis jumped from Minako's shoulder and onto the table with Luna, in shock at what the girl had said. "Have some respect for the man!"

"Oh, I can't!" She slammed her hands on the table, startling the others and causing them to lean away from her. "Now that Usagi has brought it to my attention, it is impossible to ignore! That thing is the most disgusting piece of clothing I've ever seen!" Minako finished the statement passionately and the group sweat-dropped at the serious, almost deadly, atmosphere that lay heavy in the room.

Makoto crossed her arms and smirked, always ready for a good fight. Knowing Mamoru, there was definitely going to be a fight. "I'm going with the group on this one."

"I agree as long as I can do some burning, I've been missing my target practice for a while." Rei threw her _Sailor V_ comic to the side, "Once you think about it, it is offensive to the eyes."

Luna's face fell, as she knew that her cause was lost and that the group wasn't going to be doing any serious work for quite a while. "Ami?" She looked at her last hope, but Ami looked away and hid her face behind her Advanced Calculus book, "I agree with everyone else, sorry."

The group, sans Usagi, nodded in agreement. "We'll do it."

Usagi squealed in happiness and clapped her hands together, "I knew it! You guys are the best!"

Luna and Artemis sighed.

"We will have to be swift," Makoto stated over-dramatically while she watched Rei, Usagi and Minako strike a victorious pose, "for he will feel any harmful intent towards The Shirt."

"I agree." Ami set her book to the side and leaned into the table with a conspiring stance, a sign of just how serious this mission was going to be. "We will also have to be prepared beforehand on just how we plan on disposing of the object."

"Yes!" The girls agreed and settled back down around the table for a long night of plotting.

.

.

* * *

.

.

All was quiet and still, as it generally is at 2:30 in the morning in any sane location. The ever present full moon shone brightly down on the inhabitants of Tokyo, Japan giving off a peaceful aura of rest, relaxation and peace. It appeared that for once, Tokyo was going to have a quiet night without any youma attacks, something which the inhabitants of Tokyo always seem to attract more than any other place in the world.

The night remained undisturbed until five very feminine shadows appeared on the manicured grounds of the city park – the owners of the shadows creeping along the sidewalk headed towards a high rise apartment building seen in the distance. However, despite their creeping, the owners remained stealthy until they encountered the very same magical rose bushes that gave off the freak storm Usagi and Mamoru were trapped in earlier that very day.

"OW!" Sailor Venus pricked her finger on an especially thorny part of the plants.

"Be quiet!" Sailor Mars pushed past Sailor Venus, who had stopped to nurse her wounded finger, "We are on a very serious mission!"

Sailor Moon yelped as a thorn got caught in the bun part of her hair and she had to disentangle herself.

Sailor Mercury looked around nervously as she stood behind the group, "We're going to get caught!"

Sailor Jupiter pulled the thorn from Sailor Moon's hair and glared distastefully at the plants, "It's because we're used to barging in places and announcing our presence, not all this cowardly sneaking around!" She had _really_ wanted to fight Mamoru one-on-one.

"No!" Sailor Moon grabbed Sailor Jupiter's arm in a panic, "We can't let Mamo-chan know that we are the culprits! We have to stick to the plan!"

"I still get to burn it, right?" Sailor Mars stepped over a branch that appeared to be moving but was obviously the shadows.

Everyone sighed and refused to dignify the question with a response – Rei had been in an especially bad mood of late due to a certain doom-filled reading that she had gotten from the Great Fire and was eager to use her powers to destroy something, only their hadn't been anything previously around to fight. It was almost intolerable.

Instead, Sailor Venus – who had been watching the shadows on the ground with increasing curiosity throughout the previous exchange – suddenly spoke, worry coloring her voice. "Guys, is it just me or is there something strange going on with this plant?"

Sailor Mercury whipped out her computer and began to type furiously as the others started watching the ground below them. "Oh no! It's aliv-" Before she could finish her statement, a rose flew off of its branch and smacked her in the face. Everyone screamed in abject horror.

"Oh my God!" Sailor Moon cried as she kicked a rose towards Sailor Mars, which hit her in the chest, "It _knows_! I'm so sorry Mamo-chan!"

Sailor Mercury ducked to the side, out of reach from the rose plant while the others began to do the same. "It's like Earth itself is against us!"

"No!" Sailor Venus ducked the branches, pulling Sailor Moon with her, who was still crying, as she made her way over to the Water Senshi. "Should be abort?"

"I'll be dammed if I do!" Sailor Jupiter stomped unforgiving on a bud as she joined the rest. "I'll fight the whole Earth if I have to! Our mission continues!"

"_**Burning Mandala**_!" Sailor Mars, the first to safety, burned the offending plant just for the heck of it. "And stay down!"

Having decided on continuing the mission, the Inner Senshi warily continued on their way, this time watching out for any more rose plants. Already it seemed that something much greater was at work here than they originally had thought.

.

.

* * *

.

.

.

.

Scenes from Our Next Episode:

"Why can't we _kill_ it?!" Sailor Moon yelled at the sky as she punched the tree with her fist. Or rather, what was left of it. All of the attacks had completely destroyed the tree, but The Shirt had remained unharmed. "WHY, WHY, WHY?!" She cried as she fell to the ground dramatically.

A snapping of fingers broke the silence... and suddenly all too familiar theme music and voices broke out.

"The three sacred shooting stars have returned! Sailor Star Fighter, Sailor Star Maker, Sailor Star Healer! Sailor Starlights...Stage ON!"

The Sailor Senshi turned around to see three womanly shapes silhouetted against the moon on the building behind them.

"Sailor Starlights..." Sailor Mercury said tentatively as she stated the obvious in her shock.

"Seiya?" Sailor Moon asked.

The Starlights jumped down toward the tree and landed in front of Sailor Moon.

"Hey, Odango..."


End file.
